Skyscrapers that lauch themselves high up, trying to reach up to the clouds; bodies sculpted, modified, touched up so much that their sheer, unnatural perfection no longer looks human; houses painted insolent colors, buttery yellow, mint green, Pepto Bismol pink; restaurants, tables loaded with impossibly huge chunks of meat and mountains of golden chips; margaritas so huge and strong that your head starts spinning when you’re not even halfway through the glass.
That’s Miami for you!
We arrived early in the afternoon and checked in our hotel. First good surprise: The reception and bar had this cool, retro vibe and the suite was really nice. We explored the minibar and basket of snacks, and Barbs and myself found some cool shades, they were plastic and had the American flag on them!!
“This is sooo fun!” Barbs declared. “Let’s bring them to the beach and take fun pictures!”
“Hum, are they free?” the two boys asked.
“Course they are!” I told them, ripping the plastic package off the shades and trying them on. “They couldn’t ask us to to pay for that! Look, it’s just cheap plastic.”
“Oh. Right.” they said.
There were two sofa and a giant bed, in which all four of us could fit! But we didn’t feel like trying it just yet : we were a few yards away from the beach and after a quick lunch at a French bakery, we directly went for a swim in the ocean. The sea was hot like a bath and I stayed in there with Barbs in there for hours, after what we joined the boys who had slopped down on their towels and were now fast asleep on the beach.
“Come oooooon!” Barbs shouted enthusiastically in their direction, startling them both awake. “Let’s take a picture with those funny America sunglasses, it will be so fuuuuun!”
She reminded me of Michelle in American Pie a bit. The boys both grumbled vaguely than what they found funnn right now was sleeping and so Barbs and I took photos of each other with the shades, and then we headed for the hotel because we had been told it was happy hour between 7 pm and 8 pm and we didn’t want to miss a minute of it.
About the happy hour: I thought the free cocktails were going to be like the “shakeitbaby” and the “sexyboyz” in the Chillers: those are only worth one dollar per glass but there’s one drop of tequila for one gallon of margarita flavoured slush, so after wasting ten dollars and remaining completely sober, you have to go to the other bar in the Chillers, the one that serves normal drinks, and get plastered on proper concentrated alcohol.But in the free cocktails of the hotel,there was so much alcohol and so little juice that they were almost shots! after about five or six of those each (ten each for the boys) I started to get kinda wobbly on my feet and so did the others; the Adam Rodriguez looking barman, spotting that we were behaving kinda oddly eyed us suspiciously and snatched the “free drinks”sign away as soon as he got the chance, probably worried that we were going to pull a rolling stones on him and destroy the place in a drunken fury.
When we left for the restaurant, we were completely gone over the hill and far away off our faces. We walked along Ocean drive and all the mixed sounds,scents and colors and lights made me feel like I was on some sort of a Las Vegas Parano trip. We stopped at a restaurant and we absent mindedly ordered three king sized margaritas (with two Corona bottles upside down in the glass for Alex) and they were like, huge! I think there was at least a liter of margarita in there, no kidding! I kept drinking and drinking out of it and I could barely see the level of margarita going down! this was the best margarita ever.
Then we ordered the meal.
“How much is the special plate of king sized rumsteak sprinkled with caviar and Veuve Clicquot sauce ?” Dorian asked the waitress.
“35769183685741368 dollars” the waitress said.
“oh! and how much the giant fresh lobster ?”
“hum, 86953987 dollars sir!”
I though he would them shrug and have a modest 3 pound steak or something that was at a reasonable price but he enthusiastically went for the lobster that cost a zillion dollars! After fifteen minutes, it started raining. Not a drizzle,but heavy, tropical rain, complete with thunder. It took us quite a while to react.
“Oooooh it rains in my margarita” I said, drunkenly.
“It rains WATER.” Barbs blinked, stoned.
“Should we get like, out of the rain or something?” Alex asked.
‘Yeah, there’s like, a canopy there” rain was bouncing on Dorian’s head. “we could maybe go there, what do you think?”
“yeah, let’s do that! I’ll be funnn!” Barbs vaguely said.
After a good ten minutes of slow thinking, we finally pulled the table under the canopy.
The food was pretty good, the bill, less good: with three giant margaritas worth 30 dollars,plus Dorian’s supersized lobster in Bollinger sauce or something equally extravagant, and all the appetizers and maxi burgers and everything we ordered, the bill was:350 dollars! I don’t think I’ve ever managed such a high restaurant bill ever. Ah well. Youth and pissedness are our excuses!
That night we couldn’t find a place to hang out big enough for all our coolness to fit in (furthermore, the boys were wearing shorts and flip-flops so we couldn’t get inside any place that mattered 😀 ) so we went to a couple of pubs and then simply went to the beach to take a midnight bath and take some pictures of us in the deserted rescue patrol cabins pretending we were Mitch Buchannon and Pamela.
The next day was also terrific: We went shopping for souvenirs and I got myself THE tacky shirt : “f*** me I’m famous, Miami beach”. I hesitated between that and “Bitch, I was in Miami”, but I decided for this one, it’s tacky in a classy kind of way. Anyway, this is the right shirt if you want to get rid of your mom or your nanna for a couple of hours: If I wear this in front of them I’m pretty sure they’ll faint!! Also I can wear it in the Chillers: It will be assorted with my cocktails heehee.
PS: actually the bleedin shades were ten dollars!!!